I feel so small in this large world. I feel like thereapos;s no room for me, that iapos;m suffocating, more than this world is, that iapos;m invisible in a crowded room, that thereapos;s nothing for me to hang on anymore. Thereapos;s a million things you know about me, and a million times more, you would never have a clue about.
the mask that i wear, tells you that iapos;m this one girl, this one thatapos;ll be there for you when you need it, return every call/ every text, treat you right if you treat me right, always find a reason to just start swinging and sheapos;s got intellect. The one thatapos;s buried beneath all these, is a girl full of fears, full of negative energy, full of hate, full of anger. I put on this smile everyday just for a few hours and put it back in my treasure box, i put on this personality to make you like me, not for who i am, but who i wish i was. For me, life never seemed to go my way. For about ten years, i was living in happiness, in real happiness, i had a real family, i had one that was bound together , intertwined with love, or what i thought at that moment. Yet i took it all for granted, as every one did in their young days. I remember a day when i woke up and i seemed to not remember anything at all; i couldnapos;t remember why i was laying on this bed and why this person was me. I guess that was the day that everything changed, and life started tumbling downwards for me. I started hiding under my covers at night with a flashlight and a book, a pillow over my ears, trying to drown out the fights and screams. I even tried to scream, but nothing came out, i was weak, and all my strength was gone. My parents started to go to counseling, in a college, and i would sit outside by myself on a bench. The only thing i remember was the cold air hitting my face, the cold winter air, made me feel so numb, yet so alive. I remember falling asleep in it, it carried me away and when i awoke i was in my bed. Four years ago, was the easiest. No one really feels the actual impact of truth till later, and thatapos;s what happened to me. I started having thoughts, i started contemplating about falling inwards completely and never waking up. I started counting backwards from ten and trying to stop my breathing, to see how it would feel, to drown myself, for the blood within to meet fresh air. I started pushing people away. And i still do, i still push people away, because thatapos;s the best thing for them to do. I promise you, iapos;m no good, iapos;ll hurt you in one way or another or more, the best thing is to stay away from me.
iapos;m walking away on this one road, one rocky road filled with pits and ditches and thereapos;s no one to hold me through the winter nights, no one to assure me everything will be alright. But itapos;s just me, walking and falling asleep to the lullaby of the cold air.
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